TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it will feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That's the vision driving Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical progress-slash-luxurious real estate property calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Sure, the man who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. Instead of the standard Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are chatting Damascus, the city Traditionally known for historic tradition, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It's going to be large. Huge!" Trump declared via a leaked golfing cart Zoom get in touch with, streamed from the putting green within Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We have experienced lovely ceasefires in Syria. A number of the best. But now, we're building them with balconies."



Welcome on the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca inside of a falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and solely from position. Developed by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower options:




  • A 3-ground On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Content Hour right until the drone flies")




  • As well as a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 decades for potable h2o. But yes, certain, let's have Yet another area wherever American Adult males can have on robes and call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, of course."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas plan analysts are calling this by far the most audacious peace try considering that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. While preceding negotiations failed under the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's system is less complicated: offer everyone a set about the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


In keeping with paperwork published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal features "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration amongst rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is certainly delicate power," explained political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a agreement and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO will not. Geopolitical gridlock needs less diplomats plus more minibar upgrades."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mostly into gold-plated intercoms set up in Just about every unit. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity noted, "It isn't that Trump shouldn't open up a tower in a very war zone. It's that he need to prevent using it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned about the venture, replied, "You understand, gentleman, I after rode a camel in Beirut. Fantastic persons. Terrific tan. In any case, do I however have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "long term proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred on the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility from the Levant."



Satellite Photos Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit unveiled that the hotel's landscaping sorts an enormous Trump head obvious from Place, a function being promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is comprised of refugee tents plus the chin is… properly, classified.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits just after obtaining the developing's Trump Tower Damascus gold plating mirrored a lot daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and established fire to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It can be not just unattractive. It's a war crime with curtains," mentioned Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing as well as other Baffling Attributes


Perhaps the strangest ingredient from the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:




  • A silent atrium in which attendees may contemplate obscure disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, total with local climate control set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.




Community Syrians are Doubtful what to make of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked twelve-calendar year-aged Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising Technique: "Should you Bomb It, They are going to Arrive"


The ad marketing campaign, not long ago leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. A single poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxurious is Endlessly."


One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee outlets:


"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Community reception is wildly divided. A current SnapPoll executed inside a hookah lounge demonstrates:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this will likely escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% claimed "the place's the nearest elevator to your West Financial institution?"





Trader Praise: "At last, a Crisis That Pays"


The job is presently attracting attention from Global buyers, like:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights being a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who reported he'll acquire a few penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




In accordance with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional level will even involve:




  • A Dollar Keep of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Named 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room Depending on the Iraq War





Remark Part Chaos


Over the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb article about the unveiling, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are unable to wait around to view a wedding in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as opposed to rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Lastly, a hotel where my PTSD might have convert-down assistance."


A different article from @KuwaitiKardashian just asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officers fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Stories counsel:




  • China could open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is preparing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to develop a Tesla showroom over the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. In line with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has provided to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the best floor "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Final Feelings from the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside of a closing ceremony that involved 3 camels, a flamethrower, in addition to a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:


"Damascus required hope. It wanted gold. It required a waterslide shaped similar to the Structure. I gave it all three. You happen to be welcome."

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